Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
please come you make the beer taste better
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
