When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
