we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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