Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
