we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
