Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
