Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
