We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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