Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think your dad took our porno
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
