y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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