he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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