UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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