im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
