me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
