He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
