She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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