Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
