Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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