garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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