Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
