thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
