I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
