I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's shark week go big or go home
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
