he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
