don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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