i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
