He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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