He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
