fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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