There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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