I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
