You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
