8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
