You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm too high and old for this...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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