I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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