We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
