I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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