I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
