Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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