Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
