i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
