Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
