i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
