his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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