8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
