My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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