I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
