There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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