I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
