my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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