when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
